Filling the Emptiness
by Nalurah
Summary: You never really know what you do when someone dear to you dies unless you actually experience it. But how do you survive the next weeks, Pan is about to find out. AU
1. Chapter 1

_Dear readers,  
This story was supposed to be a oneshot but it became to long so I decided to make a short story out of it. This is a quite personal story and I know that some of you might think that Pan is just a cry baby, that is your opinion. I just wrote this story because I needed to write it, it made me feel better, because partly it's about me._

**_I would like to dedicate this story to my little Angel, Tycho._**

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**_Filling the empitiness_**

"Pan… Pan, wake up sweety." The woman said as she touched the shoulder of the girl lying in the bed.

"Mom, go away. It's way to early!" The girl, named Pan, grumbled as she turned around, trying to get back to sleep.

"Pan sweety, it's time." The woman besides the bed said softly.

Pan turned around curiously, now facing her mother. She wondered what her mother meant by 'it's time'. For as far as she knew, her alarmclock didn't go off, so it wasn't time to get up and she couldn't figure out something else. "Time for what?" She asked, staring in the deep blue eyes of her mother.

"It was his time, Pan. I'm sorry sweety, he died last night." The woman, named Videl, whispered, staring at the shocked face of her daughter.

If a thunderbolt hit her, she wouldn't even feel it. She was frozen, frozen and broken. Her tiredness was completely gone, it was like her heart was riped out of her chest and torn into pieces. She turned around and slammed her fist in her pillow, before hiding her face in it. A sob that seemed to emerge from the deep outskirts of her body, escaped from her mouth.

"I'm sorry, sweety." Videl whispered. "But maybe it's for the best. He was very sick and suffered a lot, but now he's gone to a better place." She said, trying to comfert the crying girl.

"How do you know that? He was happy here!" Pan said between sobs, as she lifted her head up. "He was my best friend, my little brother! I would've done anything to stop this from happening, so we could stay together."

"You can't stop death, Pan." Videl whispered. "I know you loved him and that you would do anything for him. But he was your dog, Pan. It's logical that his life is shorter, you knew that one day this would come."

"He was not only my dog, he was my best friend!" Pan yelled as she started crying.

Rain softly started to fall down, softly ticking against the window. It didn't matter to her, she was alone. In her own world, here she could cry or laugh whenever she wanted and no one had to see. She wore a mask for the real world, she would laugh and look happy even when she was not.

She staired aimlessly into space, her thoughts had long drifted away, her mother had left the room. The world seemed to stop, time seemed to have frozen, sounds died in the silence and the wind stopped howling. Everything was quiet, everything was different, all was empty.

Silently she stood up and walked to her door. She opened it and stared into the corridor, luckily no one was there, she didn't feel like talking right now. She crossed the corridor and walked down the stairs, towards his basket.

There he lay, in his basket. It looked like he was peacefully sleeping, yet she knew better. She sat down next to the basket and stared at her former friend, she stared into his beautifull dark brown eyes, the same eyes which often let her drift away into the deep outskirts of her thoughts. His favorite blanket lay next to him and Pan silently covered him with it, so you could only see his head. She hoped that somehow he would get up and greet her, like he did every morning, or that she would wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream. She lifted her hand and softly touched his head, she caressed his raven black coat and felt the cold of his body where it used to be warm and welcoming.

With lustless eyes she stared down at her friend, tears began to cross her cheeks again. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder, she looked up to meet the eyes of her mother. "Sweetheart, you have to get ready for school." Videl said as she hugged her daughter.

"I don't want to go mom, I want to stay here. I want to stay with him." She said between her sobs.

"It's better if you go, sweety. You need some distraction. Atleast try, if you really want to go home after a while then you may." Videl said comforting. "Now go get dressed." She said as she helped her daughter get up and guided her to the stairs, forcing her to get dressed. With one last look around, towards her friend, she walked up the stairs getting ready for what would be the longest day of her life.

Her hair was rocking on the wind as she walked to her school. She didn't wait for her friends like she normally did but kept walking, she wished she could walk untill her feet couldn't carry her anymore. That she would be so far away, that everything would just be in the past, or maybe just a dream from which she had to wake up.

From the corner of her eye she saw someone running towards her, when the person was getting close to her she recognized him as Trunks. He was a good friend of her, atleast he used to be, but she hardly every talked to him since he began hanging around with the popular group. That group was so quick in judging people, only by looks they would place you in a corner with the rest of your so called group. But she didn't have a group, she had her friends but wasn't placed in a group, mostly bacause she hung out with several groups. Or maybe just because she refused to be placed in one, she hated that narrow-mindedness.

"Hey Panny," Trunks shouted when he came close to her. To her annoyance, he was in a good mood today, a very good mood. It gave Pan the urge to punch him or better strangle him, just to wipe away that smile glued on his face, she didn't need laughing at the moment, she didn't need any emotion.

"Hey Trunks," she said quietly, trying to stop herself from running away or killing him, either way it would be bad.

Trunks rose his eyebrow, normally she would either greet him with 'Boxerboy' or punch him playfully in his stomach, something was wrong. She was not looking at him and was biting on her lip, where she normally was so confident, she now was so shy almost scared. "Panny, what's wrong?" He asked, striking a bit of hair out of her face before letting his hand rest on her shoulder.

Her body shook as a small sob escaped from her mouth as tears began to fill her eyes. "I don't want to talk about it, Trunks. Please leave me alone." She whispered as she stared at the ground, fighting back her tears. She refused to cry, though that attempt failed. "Please, don't ask anymore." She whispered between sobs.

They silently walked on. Trunks wanted to help her, wanted to comfert her with whatever was going on, but she refused to let him. This was her way of dealing with things, to hide in a corner, stay silent for a while, watch the world continue. Sometimes she told a friend, but only one she really trusted, but mostly her secrets were hidden, to the world she wore a mask. 'I don't want to cry, not in front of him, not in front of anybody. They would just think I'm pathetic, crying my heart out because of a pet. I know then, they will think I'm weak, a loser. Some might say that the death of a pet means nothing, that it's something small and stupid and not something to cry about all day. But then why do I feel like my world has collapsed? I guess you never really know how you react to someones death untill you actually experienced it.' Pan thought as she silently walked on, not paying any attention to the curious boy walking besides her.

When they arrived at school, Pan went straight to her locker, not saying any farewell to Trunks. She opened her locker and grabbed her books for the first few periods, she had five minutes untill first period would start so she went to the girlsbathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror, she was even paler then normal and her hair was a mess because of the wind.

Suddenly she heard a voice behind her, 'hey sweety, why so sad?' The voice whispered in her ear.

Pan turned around to see who said that, it was Marron, one of her best friends. She was the one who helped her when her dog became ill six months ago, she was the one who comferted her during his operations. If anyone should know first, they she would. Next to her stood Nathalie, which was also a good friend of Pan so it wasn't a problem if she knew as well. She sighed and started talking, "It's my dog," she stammered, "he died last night." Tears began to fill up her eyes again. 'Oh God,' she thought, 'I don't want to cry. I don't want to be seen as weak.' But it was to late, tears began to stream freely over her cheeks and a sob escaped her mouth. Silently she cursed the tears as she leaned her hand against the wall.

Suddenly she was pulled into a hug by Marron, "Oh my God, are you okay sweety?" Marron asked. "If there is anything I can do for you, just tell me, okay?" She freed Pan from the hug to see her face.

Pan nodded slightly, just to show that she understood. She leaned back against the wall with a sigh, tears were still crossing her cheeks silently, she could see herself in the mirror. She looked awfull, her eyes were read, her face was pale and her hair was a mess. "Pan, if you want to go home then you should, you can't focus on your class right now." Nathalie said as she gave Pan a worried look.

Pan silently shook her head. "No, I promised mom I would try and besides it's not like I really have to be focused during art class right?" She said showing a fake smile. Fortunately she was saved by the bell. "Bye guys, I got to go, see you later." She said as she quickly left the bathroom and went to her art class.

She softly tapped her pencil on the table, staring at the white paper. Her eyes drifted away to the window, it was raining outside, she could see people running for cover. Sometimes you come at a point that you have to start something, but you can't because your mind keeps drifting away. You stare at your paper, your mind is empty, every thought slowly drifts away and you can't seem to find a way to stop that.

From the corner of her eyes Pan could see her teacher staring in her direction, somehow argueing with herself if she should come over. She was glad that her teacher decided to stay where she was, now she had some peace. She stared at the rain outside, it looked like it would go on forever like this. Falling down from the sky, hitting everything that comes in their way. 'In some way rain is like death, you can protect yourself from it but eventually you'll get hit.' She thought as she saw some soaked freshmen running into the school.

Finally the two houres, that were meant for painting but which she used for pointless staring, went by and she could move on too her next period. She packed her bags and walked out of the classroom as the bell rang, she noticed that the teacher wanted to say something to her but she was too fast in leaving the classroom. She walked down the corridor and up the stairs, she had to go too the second floor for her Dutch class.

She dropped her bag on the floor and sat down with a sigh, she let her head rest in her hands as she started to stare pointlessly again. She noticed that her best friend Bra was walking towards her. Bra sat down in her usual spot, besides Pan. "Hey Pan," she said in a normal way before she started unpacking her things. Pan answered with a soft hello and luckily for her, Bra couldn't answer because the teacher wanted to start. 'Thank God she didn't ask anything else, I don't feel like talking right now.' Pan thought as she was pretending to be interested in what the teacher had to say.

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_The second chapter will be on fanfiction as soon as it is finished, maybe it will take a while because I find it quite hard to write this._


	2. Chapter 2

At long last the second chapter and the last one.

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**_Dancing Flames_**

Endless talking, far in the background the voice of her Dutch teacher, she didn't want to hear it. She stared out of the window, it was still raining and she followed the raindrops that crossed the enormous window she was sitting next to.

Bra, who was sitting next to her was unusually quiet, normally she would never stop talking but today she was silent. Not that Pan really cared, her thoughts were far away, with an old friend in his basket. She only thing she could see was him lying in front of her, lifeless...

She was writing in her notebook, it was a poem for her dog, poetry was always a way for her to show how she felt.

Finally third period was over and she went downstairs for the eleven o'clock break. She stood outside with Bra, Nathalie, Marron, Danielle and Gaby, they were talking about some random thing so Pan could peacefully stare at the ground. Suddenly Gaby started to talk to her. "Hey Pan, why do you look so sad?" She asked with a concerned expression on her face.

"I- I don't want to talk about it." She whispered, though she could feel the tears well up in her eyes again. 'Oh no, not here, not now. I don't want to cry.' She thought but a sob already escaped her mouth and a tear ran down her cheek.

"Hey what's wrong?" Gaby asked surprised. But Bra was faster, she quickly put an arm around her shoulder and dragged her along towards the girlsbathroom.

When they arrived there, tears were running freely over her cheeks again. "It's okay sweety, it's okay to cry. I heard what happened from Nathalie, during first period." Bra said as she hugged Pan. Pan was thankful, thankful she had such good friends who took care of her during hard times.

The rest of her day at school went on in a blur, she couldn't pay any attention and she was happy when the last bell rang and she could go home. She walked alone through the streets towards her house, all the way she prayed that no one would talk to her and this time her prayers were answered.

At home she immediatly went to his basket again, she sat down next to it and stared at her old best friend. She must have sat there for an hour when she suddenly heard the front door open, it was her older sister with a friend. Her older sister, Anna, also had it very difficult with the death and her friend was here to support her. That friend, Sarah was also a friend of Pan so when Sarah saw here she immediatly gave her a hug.

That evening they would bury him in the garden, her father had dug a big hole, large enough for the dog. So that night they stood in the garden, her mother, her father, her sister and Sarah and of course Pan. Everybody said their goodbyes and Pan softly caressed him on the top of his head, he used to love it when she did that.

Each of them, one by one, grabbed the shovel and helped closing the grave again. Only when it was Pan's turn and she heard the empty thud when the dirt hit her old friend, she refused to carry on. She gave away the shovel and stared at the whole scene from a distance. 'This is all so final, he's really gone now.' She thought as the grave was finally closed. The sun had already set and it was very dark outside, Videl got some torches from inside, she put then on the grave and lit them, each symbolic for a person present. "Five dancing flames, just for you my friend." Pan whispered.

Her sister and her father soon left and suddenly Pan stepped forward, she grabbed the note that was in her pocket and started to read the poem that she wrote during Dutch class. (A/N: Original in dutch, translated in English)

_Pattering on the floor  
_Sound in the corridor  
_Whining in the night  
__Where you scared?  
__  
Where are your eyes?  
__Where is your smile?  
__Or did you deceive me?  
__Weren't you what I saw? _

_My friend,  
be joyful and happy  
__Dance and wag your tail  
__Run and be free  
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Stay with me?  
__Screams with no meaning  
__I will never forget you  
__Live and be free..._

After her last words she walked towards the closest torch and burned the note with the poem to ashes, letting the wind carry it to her friend.

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**Two weeks later**

Pan was sitting behind her computer, she was working on a paper for school. She was getting used to the idea that her friend was no longer here. Suddenly she heard her sister running up the stairs, she stormed into the room and hugged Pan. "We're getting a puppy!" She squealed.

'A puppy...' Pan thought shocked. 'But... this is so unfair towards him, he died only two weeks ago and suddenly we get a new one. No this couldn't be, he was not just some dog you could replace, he was my little brother.' Pan's eyes were filled with tears of anger but also from sadness for she thought back of the event two weeks ago.

"How could you do this!" Pan yelled angry at her sister. "You can't just replace him!"

"No I can't Pan, I know I can't. But I need a new dog, just like you do. I know you go to his grave every night to light a candle and to talk to him, you miss him and I miss him too. But I also miss the life in our house, his greeting when you get downstairs in the morning, his begging eyes when you have food. I need this Pan... and so do you." Anna said determined.

Pan couldn't figure out a good answer so she ran down the stairs and into the garden, she ran towards his grave and just stood there, staring at the burned up torches, the faded flowers. She knew that she needed it but somehow it felt wrong towards him. "I wish you would be here to help me, my friend." She whispered as she lit the candle she bought for him.

Today was the 24th of October and the 8th of December the puppy would be here, it was an idea she couldn't stand. It seemed so unfair to her.

Weeks passed and slowly turned into a month, she stopped going to his grave every night, but she was still left with this feeling of emptiness.

The morning of the 8th of December she woke up with a curious feeling, she really wanted to see this puppy but on the other hand she still felt like she was betraying her friend.

When she got home from school again and opened the door to her house, her father came to great her. This morning when she was at school, her father and her sister went to pick up the dog.

Suddenly she saw a tiny head peeking around the corner, a small black little dog gave her a curious look. 'Those eyes..." She thought. 'Those deep brown eyes, just like he had.' He was the cutest creature she had ever seen as he slowly walked towards her, she kneeled down and held out her hand so he could smell it. Carefully he took in her sentence before jumping on her lap and licking her. She laughed slightly. 'He was adorable.' She thought.

Later that day she walked over to the grave with her new dog in her arms. She sat down in the grass in front of it with the puppy, sleeping on her lap. "Hello my friend, it's me again. I would like you to meet a new friend and member of the family. His name is Paco. He's still very small and has many to learn but I hope that we become good friends just like you and I were. Wherever you are, my friend, I pray that you're alright. I know this is a bit soon, already a new dog, but Anna was right, I needed it." The wind blew through her raven black hair as she stopped talking, silence took over the garden. "Farewell my friend." She whispered as she got up.

Never would she forget her childhood friend and little brother, but sometimes you have to move on. She found her way to move on, by giving her full attention to the little dog sleeping in her arms. The sadness of his loss may still be there but the emptiness if filled.

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Dear readers,  
This was just a story I had to write. Cause if you might think that I made this all up then you're wrong, this is almost exactly what happened when my dog died the 10th of October 2006. That's why this story is dedicated to him, my friend Tycho. Though I have changed some names, but Paco is the name of my puppy.  
I would like to thank my family and friends who helped me with the loss, you guys are great! 

Love,  
Nalurah


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